Control

In response to ongoing conflict, I decided to read again Proverbs 31. I took a notebook and pen, my Bible and my dictionary. While reading, I made some notes. What follows are my thoughts, not about the woman in the passage, but these are thoughts about me, and my purpose in life.

This post isn’t about losing my voice or my vote. It’s not about being a doormat. It is about this woman’s struggle with God and His Word. It is about this woman coming to terms with who God created her to be. First and foremost I am His child, and He calls me to give my life, my will, to Him.

Being Me

Being this woman – being me – is not easy. I am called to be Jason’s wife, his helper. I’m not always an excellent helper. He can’t trust me in little things. Too often I am mean, spiteful and bitter; resentful, and angry. I’m not willing to do anything but fighting him at every turn.

I can be really miserable to live with! He and the kids are such troopers – helping with house work and such. Mostly though, when I’m like this, they stay out of my way. When this miserable woman shows her face, nothing is good enough for me and I feel like a failure, even in my successes.

I resent the way God set up the “chain of command”. It frustrates me that Jason and God get to lead this family. I don’t feel that they have done a very good job in the past. So why would that all of a sudden change? I want to keep control of what is going on in my life. I want to be the leader, the decision-maker, the hammer.

Control | ladonnaharris.com | Surrendering control brings you back to proper control.Giving Up Control

Finally, as I examine my heart, I come to realize, again, that God is in control no matter how much I fight against it. He is God. When I surrender, and give my focus to Him, things in our life fall into place. Life is a little more smooth.

This fight against myself is been tough. I want complete control. I want to make and veto every decisions as I will. I continue to fight with Jason and with God.

And then I surrender.

Know what? My heart isn’t as heavy.

Nor is my load.

Surrender Moment by Moment

When I allow God to lead, or rather, when I surrender my will to His, I have more control. When Jason can trust me, he puts me in control of every day life. My roll changes from spoiled child; I become his helper, his second-in-command. And then, I’m more than that. I am his trusted adviser. His friend. I’m the one that keeps things going, and running smoothly, while he’s out in the world. When I turn my life – including control – over to Yahweh, I am more trustworthy. When I give Yahweh my life, He gives it back and I thrive and so does my husband and family.

And yet, knowing all of this, there is something inside that does not want to let go. This release of control, back to where it belongs, is not a one time decision instead this is a daily decision. Sometimes it is a moment by moment decision.

As of this moment, I choose to give God control. I trust that God will do (actually, will continue to do) a good work in my man and teach him and direct him to lead our family in the Way. I am giving up my desire to control.

And as of this moment, I struggle. I want that control back.

But.

It is God’s.

 

Striving to learn and live God’s purposes,

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Comments

  1. Kristin says:

    Thank you for this…really. It is SO extremely hard to let go of control sometimes, and it’s always an easier fight when we know that we’re not alone in the battle. Blessings to you as you stive to learn and live God’s purpose.

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